The real reason you're scared of making mistakes

Babies aren't scared of making mistakes when practising their native language. When they need food or water, or something's wrong, they use any words they can, in whatever order, and hope the parent understands. It matters more to be understood, because that's how they get what they want, than to be embarrassed by their mistakes. You don't learn to be embarrassed as a baby. That comes later.

For adults, we get scared because we're scared of feeling bad about what people think of us, so we stop trying. I'm James, I'm a native English speaker, and I help people reach a conversational level in a different language. Here's why that fear exists and how you can overcome it.

Why babies don't care

As babies, we need to survive. We need to be able to say "I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I'm too hot, I'm too cold". The value of communicating outweighs any embarrassment.

As an adult, if I don't manage to communicate something, nothing really happens. I can still go and get food or water. When I was practising Portuguese and the only words I could say were basic ones, it was a bit embarrassing. You feel like you should know better. You think, "What if the other person thinks I'm weird? That word must sound ridiculous in my voice." But if I don't get my point across, there's no real cost, so the embarrassment wins.

Where the fear comes from

There are moments in your life, not necessarily language learning, when you tried something, thought you had it right, and then you didn't, and you were so embarrassed. It might have been at primary school, at school, even at university.

You might have been hesitant after that. "I'm not very good at that. It's not for me." You might have been really good at that thing, but because of the situation, maybe you were in the wrong place or the people around you weren't motivational, you were put off. It doesn't mean you were bad at it. It means you weren't in the right situation.

The same applies to language learning. You could have had a bad experience at school, been told off by a French teacher, and now think, "I'm rubbish at French, don't bother." But you're hiding a lot of potential there. You could be really good at learning that language.

How to get past it

Set yourself up so you won't be embarrassed if you get it wrong.

If you tell all your friends "I can speak Spanish" and then go on holiday and they expect you to be conversational, and you're in a really busy restaurant trying to talk to a waiter, there might be lots of background noise. The waiter might be rushed and not care about your big-talk questions. They might switch to English, especially in a touristy place, because it's more efficient. You've just told your friends you can speak Spanish.

Instead, say you're learning. If someone at a social gathering is from Spain or Mexico, say, "I'm learning a bit of Spanish at the moment. I'm not very good, but would you mind if I had a go practising with you?" They'll be fine with it. You haven't said you're fluent. You've said you're learning. Worst case, you impress them and they say, "Wow, I thought you were just learning, you seem really good."

Pick your moment and your person. Not everyone in a city is friendly or open to conversation. They might be popping out for a quick shop or in a rush. If you keep getting rejected, it can put you off. If someone's waiting around and looks friendly, approach them. Be mindful of their situation. They might have had bad news that morning. If someone gives you the cold shoulder, that's not your language ability, it's the situation.

Use common sense. Would I want a conversation if I were that waiter, rushed off my feet in a busy restaurant?

It builds evidence

At the moment, you have evidence that if you make a mistake, you'll feel bad, because you feel judged by the people around you. That's a phrase stuck in your mentality somewhere, saying "don't speak Spanish, because you're bad at it and you might make a mistake."

You need to overwrite that with new evidence from practising in situations that are practice-friendly.

Say you speak with a waiter who asks how your day is and you reply. You made a few grammatical mistakes, you said the wrong word, but the waiter understood you and you both had a laugh. That's another little bit of evidence that you can be okay making mistakes.

That won't solve it on its own. If you have a lot of past evidence suggesting you'll feel bad making mistakes, you need a lot of new evidence to overcome it. But every little bit makes it easier, and you feel less nervous or anxious when speaking.

I do this myself. When I'm speaking Spanish to a native, I throw in an Italian word. I know it's wrong, but I think "that's funny" and carry on. It happens all the time with similar languages. You can just make fun of it. Accept that you're not perfect but you're getting better.

Over time, you'll start by not knowing how to say the full thing. You'll find similar words, not quite what you want but close enough, and get as far as you can. Quite often, based on the context, the other person fills in the blanks and knows where you're going with the sentence. That's exactly what you're looking for.